Being good at what you do, doesn't always make you feel fulfilled: An inside look at a creatives mind.

The anxiety is always there.

There’s something I’ve been sitting with lately—this tension between being good at something, and actually feeling fulfilled by it. On the outside, it might look like things are going well. My portrait and wedding work brings me so much joy, especially the connections I make with the people I photograph. My clients are amazing, and I am so proud and happy to be able to show them the beauty that they are capable of, and I always will. There’s true life essence in capturing their love, their stories. But through all of that, there's still something.....missing. And I think that’s important to recognize—it not only helps you show up better for your clients, but it also reminds you to take care of yourself in the process.

I’ve always been an artist at heart. And while photographing others fills me with gratitude, I sometimes feel like I’ve been neglecting the part of me that wants to dig inward—exploring my own emotions, my own visions, my own inner world. When I first started photography, I spent so much time creating conceptual portraits. Portraits about the hardships and difficult feelings within myself. They made me feel alive. Because I wasn't neglecting apart of myself that needs to be nurtured, shared, and put out for the world to relate to. I love to be vulnerable, while also feeling like I am not easily swayed.

Lately, I’ve felt that classic artist’s stagnation: like I’m moving, working, creating, getting clients and bookings...but not in the way that fills my soul entirely. Like I’m showing the world everyone else’s feelings, but not always my own. This is not to say I don't love what I do in my field for others, but theres something I'm missing for myself, ya know?

I have finally started dipping my toes back into conceptual work, and it hasn't been as instantly gratified as I thought it might be. Like having this sudden... "Wow, I am back home" feeling. It’s been a struggle.

There are days where I hate everything I create, where each image feels wrong. But then, sometimes, one image makes it through. One image feels right. And in that moment, I remember why I started.

That feeling of expression, of creating something that speaks from me, not just through me, is irreplaceable.

Being good at what you do is not the same as being fulfilled by it. And I think that’s an important distinction for any creative to remember. We can be successful in our craft, loved for what we produce, and still crave something deeper, something messier, something more personal.

Right now, I’m learning to give myself permission to explore that again. To accept that not every piece will survive the dread, but the ones that do will mean something. (and also not getting sucked into the void that those pieces I am proud of will just get sucked into the void of nothingness and pushed down the feed photo after photo and be forgotten.....that's a whole other anxiety) .....To embrace the ebb and flow of being an artist.

Because fulfillment doesn’t come from being good at what you do. It comes from being honest with yourself, and brave enough to create the work your soul has been waiting for.

In the meantime, I still feel this sense of feeling off. But luckily, I have been also feeling SUCH a sense of support for the people and community around me. One moment during my morning I will be talking about how awful I feel about the work I am or am not doing, and the next moment of the day, dear friends (Manny's Art Supplies, Chroma Hair, Sam Crohn, and most of all my Partner) will be hyping me up out of nowhere and it was like the universe was saying..

"Hey... lets stop doing that and remember all the hard work, the wonderful work, the easy, the beautiful, and simple, the complex work.... it's all something to be proud of."

Writing this blog has reminded me why sharing struggles matters, it shows that I’m human too. I’m not just another cog in the machine of wedding photography, or work in general. I’m an artist, a person, and still learning along the way.

I know others out there feel the same at times, or catch themselves comparing to others (I’m guilty of it too). The truth is, we’re all carrying some kind of internal struggle, even if it’s with ourselves. We might be good at what we do, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t struggling or scrutinizing ourselves.

None of us are perfect, and that’s okay.